Giving- why is it so unnatural and hard?
Posted by mustardseed in Uncategorized at 7:04 pm | 
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Last night Jean and I had dessert at the cheesecake factory… it was nice, we sat outside and had an awesome view of the city and great conversation… anyway, that’s not what this blog is about.
 On the way back to the car (~1am ish), a black homeless man started singing us a song. It was some sort of love song directed towards Jean about not leaving me even though I’m a loser… those weren’t the words, but in my condenscing manner, that’s the jist of the song. Jean and I laugh about it and I’m getting the sense that the moment is coming… The moment the guy asks me for money. Unfortunately, I’m not one who carries around cash, I usually use my card wherever I go and I find it easier that way. I forgot that I had 2 dollars in my wallet, so I thought this would be an easy, ’sorry bro, I don’t have any cash’ and walk away deals.
Well, the moment came, he rubbed his stomach and asked Jean and I for some money to help his hunger. Jean jumped on it and let him know that we didn’t have any cash. I agreed and apologized for not having any cash and kept walking. But the guy persisted. He pointed to the corner atm machine and asked me to take some cash out for him. I was stunned. I’ve never had someone ask me to take money out of my bank account for them… it was too weird. So in my speechless state of ’stunnness’ I shook my head and laughed and kept walking (not really knowing what to do). The guy got noticeably angry and started asking why money means so much to me. I told him it’s not about the money, it’s just that I don’t have any on me. He then said, ‘you have a credit card don’t you?! go get some money then at the atm on the corner.’
I have to say, a part of me was wanting to help this man. I mean, who knows why this man ended up the way he did. A part of me wanted to say, ’sure man, you know what, why don’t we walk into the liquor store and I’ll get you something to eat.’ or ’sure, just sit right here and I will walk over to the atm, get some cash, and in good faith (that you won’t use it for drugs, alcohol to mess yourself up even more, or whatever else you might use it for besides your hunger), give it to you so we can all be happy and be on our way.’ But the neighborhood Jean and I found ourselves in was not too friendly and I was much more concerened about getting us safely to the car than acquiesing(sp?) to this mans request.
So I just kept walking and said, ’sorry, I don’t have any cash…’ He then proceeded to call me a cheap man, and told Jean that she should take a note of my cheapness. He walked away as I sat there in a bit of a guilt trip/anger for being so manipulated. Jean, in her supportive and comforting manner, told me not to worry about it and to just shake it off.
I struggled with it a bit, but eventually let it go as we continued walking through the hood towards the parking lot our car was in.
I share this because something is kind of bugging me. Why is it so hard to give? Why is that I struggle with giving a complete stranger something that I have worked hard for, yet can never fully earn? Why is that I can recieve so easily from the church, the Lord, my family, my friends, and others, but be so slow to give when the oppurtunity arises?
I mean, I serve in a ministry where the basic message is give. Give of your time, your energy, your creativity, your passion, your gifts, your life, and see God use you as you give. I serve with a great group of adults who give of all this. I serve under pastors who give more than we can truly appreciate. I serve to give. Yet, when the smallest oppurtunity comes up to give, my basic nature holds back…
I don’t know… I think I’m gonna wrestle with this for a while before being satisfied with where I’m at as a giver… cause really, givers change the world, not takers… may God make me a giver… not a holder, not a servant who hides his talents, or a rich man with Lazarus on his front door step.
right on… blog you later…
peace
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